The cognitive dissonance of accepting an invitation from two Christian strangers

 As I see myself scurry to get stuff done while they’re gone, I see how much power I let them have over me - not necessarily because they’re trying to exert it but because I allow it. I feel “free” when I’m alone and dampened when in the presence of others. I tell myself it depends on the others - that I can be free with the right people. That isn’t false, but it’s another way of letting myself be controlled by others - “If you won’t let me be myself, I’m not free around you.” That gives them all the power

You told me

You were in a Hell of your own making before you found Jesus

You believe people who don’t believe are damned to hell

You believe the only thing that makes sense is to understand who he was why he was here and what he did for us

I believe in pro choice

I believe this version of Christianity is the antithesis of pro choice, believing there is only one way

I believe that this version of Christianity is a spell and it is not what Jesus taught

You believe that “witchcraft” is evil.

You believe that people who don’t believe what you believe are in hell on earth

You believe what the bible says, even though it was written and re-written by MAN over and over and over again to uphold what that man or group of men wanted people to believe at the time

I believe in internal truth

You believe that believing in the all-ness or the universe is worse than believing in a person

Do you know Jesus actually taught internal truth? Do you know Jesus might possibly be appalled with the idea that people would give their power to him instead of holding it for themselves? Do you know Jesus said God dwelt in all of us, and we don’t need a system to give ourselves to in order to find God?

I have my own relationship with Jesus and christ energy and it has nothing to do with hell or convincing anyone else to agree with me

I feel the oppression that radiates from you. I dreamt about it the first night I was here, and it is disguised as generosity

I see you offering me space to be here and that is generous and kind

I see you nudging me toward breaking my boundaries like feeding me when you know I’m working or about to work

There’s the part of me that observes it. There’s the part of me that thinks I should accept your generosity. There’s the part of me that sees your manipulation in it. There’s the part of me that resents your manipulation in it. There’s the part of me that says if I’m not going to do anything about it, maybe I should just surrender to being manipulated.

I had a dream when I got here that I took a video of myself and watched it. The video was filled with entities and beings all in the space. One was skeletal and bit the head of another. Someone said “you’ll be safe here, you just need to keep your guard up.” I knew it was about these people. I knew there would come a moment when I would be directly confronted with either something religious or political and need to hold my gentle ground, remaining safe but being …mmm…not attacked, but certainly pressured. I would still remain safe, but my guard is up.

What is with all these moments of being in others’ space and needing to to shield myself?

What is with all these moments of knowing my next phase is about really being in bountiful expression and being in the homes of oppressors?

Some oppression is fierce and angry and harsh and dangerous.

Some oppression is covert and continuous and needles away at you and twists your mind and emotions

Some oppression is disguised as kindness

I’m thinking about…name the 6 adjectives that describe your childhood. Those are the words that feel like home to you. I thought of this when I was staying with my parents and how my parents conjure looping and mental chaos and those are the types of relationships I’ve sought. Now that’s what I’m experiencing here, but for entirely different reasons.

Feeling the strength of the spell these people are under who want me to come under the same spell.

Mantra - I AM and feel that in my belly where my center resides

It was my intention to prioritize saving money, knowing it may come at a cost

They just left for the gym and I’m reliving the experience with my parents - that now I can move freely about the place

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