The cognitive dissonance of a 45 yo drinker

 The part of me that loves the experience of drinking wine and beer for the flavor profiles and pairings

The part of me that hasn't really enjoyed the flavors of beer and wine like I used to for a long time - do I have nerve damage in my tongue? Have I not had good beer/wine in years? Have I not been in the right atmosphere to really enjoy it like I used to?

The part of me that actually prefers to drink alone

The part of me that fully recognizes I don't feel well the day after drinking - usually from dehydration

The part of me that feels my liver feel upset after I've been drinking

The part of me that has a high tolerance for drinking because of regular drinking which does mean 1, I don't typically get drunk (good) 2, I still drink quite a bit when I drink (not great), and 3, I still get pretty dehydrated after drinking (not good)

The part of me that wonders if I'm an alcoholic

The part of me that contrasts my behavior to known alcoholics

The part of me that compares my behavior to known alcoholics

The part of me that tracks my thoughts related to alcohol and they go something like a teenager's thoughts when their parents leave the house - like an urgency based in FOMO and having to get in that sip of enjoyment before it's too late!

The part of me that has tracked that for years without a lot of change - the awareness has remained awareness

That part of me that defensively thinks "my drinking is more habitual than anything."

The part of me that recognizes the truth in that

The part of me that questions the truth in that

The part of me that can, and does, go without drinking for days, sometimes weeks with no problem once I've decided not to drink

The part of me that knows when I REALLY enjoy drinking is after a long day with a lot of physical activity and that yeasty sip really quinches the palate. 

The part of me that hasn't had a day like that in over a year - I don't actually know but it feels like that

The part of me that has been wanting a generally balanced relationship with all food and drink for several years and has yet to strike one so far

The part of me that remembers, during that same time, my life has been generally out of balance so maybe it hasn't been a fair time to expect that of myself.

The part of me that knows it's easy for me to give up things when I generally feel like I have what I need and want

The part of me that leans deeply into any of my vices/habits that create that parents-left-the-house feeling when my life feels out of balance and I'm missing big chunks of what I need or want

Having just recently stayed with my parents, recognizing that parents-left-the-house feeling is quite literal. The relief I would feel when they left the house and I didn't feel monitored or oppressed by their idea of who I should be and what I should be consuming (among other things) and I would sneak into the cabinets and make some concoction that they would deeply disapprove of to eat. And everything I did out from under their eye, especially what they disapproved of, creating an enormous relief and felt - and still feels like freedom

So the less free I feel, the more I reach for the quick things that feel like freedom

What is true freedom to me now if it doesn't pertain to my parents at all? 

The part of me that thinks about not drinking anymore and appreciates all the people my age-ish who just stop 

The part of me that thinks I'll miss going to the brewery and jubilating or the wine bar, etc

So it comes down to freedom. What actually creates freedom for me?





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