When you hope that misunderstanding was the end of your relationship.

 I am a feeling sorter-outer. What that means is I am pretty tuned to myself from an objective perspective, and I work to sort out what I'm feeling and why as life unfolds through me. 

I have a relationship with a woman where we exchange ideas and inspirations and, sometimes, personal things, but it seems (to me) like when I venture too far in a direction she doesn't approve of, she ghosts me for a while. 

I can't really verify that's true, and I'm not sure she would think or admit she's doing that, but it seems like there's a lane we're meant to stay in, and I need to stay in that lane in order to remain in relationship. 

This causes me some stress. I don't have a whole lot of active relationships with friends, but the ones I have I like to settle into and be myself and express who I am and how I am and what I think and not have guardrails up. And I want them to do the same. 

Let me break down this actual interaction. She was texting me yesterday (by the way, our entire relationship exists on Voxer so we text or voice note. This already creates a lot of separation). She said something about the "tragedy" that took place yesterday. 

I am a person who is very separate from the news. I see glimpses on social media, enough to understand what's happening without doom scrolling or being swept away by it. I am informed to a degree and keep my distance intentionally. I am aware there is international genocide, national ICE raids and so many other things happening right now. I am also aware that if I go too deeply into any of it, my algorithm will shoot out this "news" over and over again, and my personal peace and wellbeing are a higher priority to me than the idea of staying informed which really just means letting the terrible things happening in the world have control over my thoughts and body. I know the amount I can digest, and keep it bite-sized.

When she said the word "tragedy" I was thinking a school shooting or natural disaster or something on a large scale. After all, we've got so much tragedy, this must be something huge for it to be commented on. 

What she was referring to was the shooting of the right-wing speaker at the University. She spoke a bit more thoroughly on the matter saying that while she didn't agree with his politics necessarily, he was a great debater and enjoyed watching him speak and he was shot on campus during a speech he was going to give. 

When I responded, I said something like "I actually did hear about the shooting. I guess I wasn't thinking someone I knew would consider this a "tragedy." I don't know anything about him personally but I understand he's a terrible racist." 

She said back "anyone who gets murdered publicly on national television in front of hundreds of people and his family is a tragedy."

Look...I don't disagree. I am not a person who thinks that if someone believes something different from what I believe, their death isn't a tragedy. I don't think he "deserved" it. I frankly don't know almost anything about him and I'm fine for it to stay that way. 

Where I was coming from was, for someone I know to use the word "tragedy," I (as I already explained here) would've imagined something more, something bigger happening. It just struck me that she was touched by this event. I am not touched by this event, basically because of my distance from the news cycle, no prior awareness of who he was, no desire to go down the rabbit hole to continue to protect my peace, and because the death of a single man is, yes, always tragic, but is it notable? Against the backdrop of the millions of people dying under horrific circumstances in the world, it took me by surprise that this one stood out to this person I'm in relationship with as a tragedy. A person who has never mentioned the Palestinians or ICE raids even once. So, it comes down to being surprised that this one death was something my friend found remarkable when so many deaths haven't been.

Ok, I've done the best I can to be understood by any future readers, knowing that I'll still be misunderstood. But back to the point..

There is a part of me that hopes this misunderstanding can be it for this relationship. When I settle into that feeling it's like I have to be a certain kind of person to stay related to her. And that is exhausting. 

There is a part of me that thinks if she's into this guy (based on the limited information I have about him), that should be a dealbreaker anyway. But I actually idealize befriending people with different ideas and tastes, and as long as we are not infringing upon anyone's rights as humans, we can have all types of perspectives. Both of those things are true in my at once.

But the real deal is, I do not feel accepted by this person. I feel like I have to mind myself and what I say or the category of things I say. This Voxer relationship means we never have a true conversation. We record ourselves and listen to each other (which I do enjoy) but it opens us to more miscommunication as well as missing a lot (or choosing not to respond to a lot) of what the other person shares. 

There is the exchange of ideas, but not the exchange or real intimacy. Again, I want to be able to relax into my relationships, and this feels like I have to stay vigilant. 

And even while I break all this down in order to sort through my emotions, I'm not ready to claim the end of this relationship. Hmmmm