My Petty Crimes Submission

 The least consequential crime:

Hello! Love the pod. I'm on my very last published episode and can't wait for more to come out!

I have a crime that is possibly lower stakes than "Betty's Bootcamp."

This crime took place on Labor Day 2019 in Phoenix, AZ. The location is relevant and doesn't need to be anonymized. 

There's me, Lisa your protagonist/the defendant 

There's Maggie, the antagonist/plaintiff

There's an eye witness, Lorna

There's my defense lawyer, also me, Mickey

Let me set the scene. On Labor Day, 2019, Maggie, Lorna and I decided to wake up early and go paddle boarding on the river - upstream - at around 7:00am. As this is a legit workout, while we were there one of us shouted "you know what would be good right now? Bloody Marys!" 

Because this was obviously an incredible idea, after SUPing we set out to a brewery (sorry Griff, if you're reading this) for brunch and delicious Bloody Marys right by Maggie's townhome. 

Several drinks into the morning, feeling like we fully accomplished what we needed to accomplish for the day via the early morning SUP sesh, brunch was spontaneously followed by us all going to Maggie's to get in her community pool. 

To give a little reference for the type of woman Maggie is, her natural ability to keep things immaculate, including her pantry, is something I accomplish in my living space maybe twice/year. Her brain just works that way and it appears easy for her. Myself (and likely our eye witness) are a bit more willy nilly with our personal possessions, and when we are in the flow of a day like this one, it's possible we're more willy nilly with others' possessions as well while trying to remain respectful.

We go to Maggie's house. I don't have a bathing suit so Maggie lends me a top and I decide to just wear my underwear. We pack one of Maggie's coolers with snacks and beverages and a 64oz Yeti filled with vodka, ice and I'm sure some kind of mixer. 

We take our happy asses down to the pool, continue drinking, continue playing and talking. Some people from her community come out and go in at different points, but we are mostly posted up in one corner of the pool in a world of our own. Our eating and drinking items were left on or under one of the lounge chairs in the shade and we would get out to help ourselves when we wanted something.

Here comes the crime: I had gotten out of the pool to refill my beverage cup with the delicious Yeti drink and gotten back in. Some time after....was it 20 minutes?  Was it longer? I imagine it was within an hour....Maggie gets out of the pool to fill her drink and I hear her shriek "Lisa! You left the thermos in the sun!" 

Mind you, this was a 64 oz metal Yeti thermos. The insides would stay cold but the outside was HOT from being in the over 100 degrees sun at this point. This was also the first time I had ever seen Maggie mad. The shock of her reaction made me laugh because it was so foreign to me. 

In my mind, Maggie had seen the thermos in the sun and now had to wait for it to cool or use a towel to help her open it to get to the delicious nectar inside. I'm actually not sure if she merely saw it sitting in the sun or touched it while it was hot (I think she's too smart for that), but either way she was angry that I hadn't returned the thermos to a spot under the lounge chair where everything else was being kept safely in the shade. 

This is the end of this crime, but I did depose one witness, Lorna. Here is her testimony below.

Mickey:Do you recall where you were Labor Day 2019?

Lorna: Yes, I was in the pool at a friend's house

Mickey: Is there any particular incident from that day that stands out in your mind? 

Lorna: Yes, actually. I was in the pool. I don't know what was said, but I heard an angry exclamation from Maggie and she never makes angry exclamations. It caught my attention. I looked up and was expecting death and dismemberment. She was really angry about her cup because her cup was hot. She had a really nice Yeti. It was large and metal and had a LOT of vodka in it. I'm fairly confident there was some kind of a mixer, but I know it was mostly vodka. It was Phoenix in the summer so it was really hot. The sun was moving through the course of the day and the Yeti got hot in the heat and everything metal in Phoenix will burn your skin off in the summer. Apparently our friend went to pick up her cup and it was very hot and she had a lot of angry words to say about it

Mickey: Do you know that she burned herself or did she just notice it was in the sun and had the exclamation because she knew it was going to be hot before she picked it up?

Lorna: That's a good question and that's very possible. Because I was so surprised by the suddenness of her exclamation, it sounded more reactionary. I don't actually know. In my mind, she touched it

Mickey: So you were not an eye witness to her touching the Yeti. You just heard the exclamation and you weren't sure what the exclamation was? 

Lorna: Right. And when she was exclaiming and I realized there was anger and not distress, I was hiding in the water as far as I could go

Mickey: Did you in fact, see Lisa leave the bottle in the sun?

Lorna: I did not see that. But I feel like we, as a group, never questioned that.

Mickey: From your perspective, is it Lisa's fault that she left the bottle in the sun or is it Maggie's fault that she expected someone to understand that the bottle should've been put back in the shade?

Lorna: I think the sun moved and it was nobody's fault. We should've just drunk it faster so this crime never happened. 

Mickey: What is the state of the plaintiff's pantry on a normal day?

Lorna: Absolute perfection. There's not a spot of dust. It's organized. It's probably alphabetized. There are racks to hold things. It is absolutely perfect and I would live in it if I could

Mickey: How often are you able to maintain this level of perfection in your own pantry

Lorna: This last week I've been doing alright, but it's always been beyond what I can attain myself

Mickey: Knowing that Maggie has a natural ability to maintain this level of organization in her own life, does it seem reasonable that she would expect her drunken friends to maintain this level of organization around her on the day in question?

Lorna: I don't think those expectations were projected outward. I think it was a reaction to the thermos being hot. 

Mickey: Do you think it's reasonable that Maggie is still angry at Lisa when it comes up in conversation today?

Lorna: No, but I love to laugh at it.

End of deposition

I have also attached some photographic evidence related to this crime. 

Exhibit 1 - the photo of me in the community pool wearing underwear and an ill-fitting top thinking I’m a mermaid (evidence of my state of mind)

Exhibit 2 - the temperatures recorded on the day in question

Exhibit 3 - the type of Yeti thermos we were using on the day in question

I ask you, Ceara and Griff:

Am I, Lisa, guilty for leaving the metal Yeti in a spot in the sun where it would get hot and potentially burn a friend’s hand or make it inconvenient to pour the next beverage?

Am I guilty for laughing at Maggie's shriek because it was so surprising (and I also didn't see it as a huge deal)?

Is Maggie guilty for expecting me to anticipate the movement of the shade and plan ahead? 

Is Lorna at fault for not monitoring my behavior and noticing the Yeti was not in the shade? 

We look forward to your verdict. 

Thank you so much!