The truth is, I feel betrayed

I am a person who has believed for almost all of my adult life that the more I lean into my authenticity, the real me, the more the forces of the universe will meet me there.

I haven't just believed it, I've lived it. In 2007 when I started learning energy work after seeking it out for several years, doing any work that felt mundane was suddenly intolerable to me. I quit all my jobs, was living in utter trust and freefall and suddenly received $10k from my Granny out of the blue.

Each time I've stepped into the unknown, what I've needed to get by has risen up to catch me and carry me to my next phase.

Then, last year, I did another trust leap. I quit my incredibly uninspiring job as a massage therapist after 24 years and put my full trust in my work that was changing lives and worked on building my business to support it. 

I guess it depends on your perspective whether it worked or not. I had enough to get me to the next month, usually by begging and borrowing. I had a few unexpected windfalls that helped me float until the next month or two, but it was repeatedly with my deep victim cycle (which I've shared about in other posts here) and it still hasn't offered fruit that feeds easily and freely.

So...when I listen to manifestation folks who keep repeating that just stepping into your authenticity is what brings all the money raining down from the sky (and there are many), I say fuck you. This is not always so. And it is not always sustainable. And it is not always right for your nervous system to go through that. 

So… what have I learned?

1. I need a middle path.
In my younger years, I loved extremes—radical detoxes, all-in trust falls. Now, I value grounded shifts. I’m not throwing everything up in the air anymore. I need something intentional to anchor into as I leap.

2. My nervous system has to be on board.
Yes, massage was done for me—but quitting without a stabilizing plan had me spiraling in fear every month. When I picked up just a couple sustaining things, money began flowing from multiple directions. Regulation matters.

3. My “real work” is part of the picture—not the whole.
Teaching, healing, and creating light me up—but I also need a schedule, people around me, bodywork, movement. I need to be nourished outside of my work too.

4. I had to meet my inner victim—fully.
She flared up hard this year. She panicked at the end of every month. She swore we weren’t going to make it. We wrestled, cried, and shifted together. That battle was part of the transformation and lessons for the rest of my life.

I don't have the full answers because I haven't fully stepped into what I'm creating. But I'll repeat here what worked to get me out of that cycle: 

• I had to interrupt my pattern. Seriously. Finally
• Connect to the version of me making the moves I wanted
• Handle the stories/beliefs/programming between me and that version of me
• Make sure I was taking care of myself in the most essential ways
• Manifest

The world feels like a supportive place right now. My nervous system gets to rest. My money is handled for the moment. I'm finding what feels like more and more support and implementing it. The journey is still unfolding. And, as always, I'll keep you updated.

If you want tools, support, and community for building a truly rich life—one that honors your nervous system, your truth, and your timeline—come join me in Patreon.