The Year I Let It All Fall Apart

In May 2024, I made a choice that felt inevitable (I still believe it was). I stopped doing massage and stepped fully into my business — not as a side project, but as a whole-hearted commitment. This is my zone of genius. This is where I come alive and help others come alive. I trusted it would work. I believed it could hold me.

I had finally connected the dots — the pieces of what I teach, how I help, what lights me up. Massage had been a misalignment for years. It wasn’t working financially, and I wasn’t fulfilled. Month after month, I still came up short, so obviously stepping into my business was the answer.

To be fair, I’ve made big leaps before. They’ve “worked out,” but this one opened the door to a year-long cycle I didn’t expect: deep victim-rescue looping. Chasing energy. Exhaustion and fear.

Each offering I created felt inspired — a real transmission. I was expecting: post, then sale. Post, then income. I took marketing course after course, hearing the same well-meaning advice: find a niche, speak to the client’s pain points, tell them how your offer changes their life. All helpful in theory, but it didn’t yield notable results. I doubled down on this several times, “knowing” that if I paid the right person, put money into my evolution, got more personalized support from a coach, everything would change.

Most of the time, I posted… and got no sales. That’s when the existential unraveling began.

If no one wants the work I know I’m here to offer, what am I even doing here?

What I couldn’t see then — but can now — is that I was operating from scarcity. I told myself, this is how I’ll pay my bills this month. This post will bring the abundance. Underneath it all, I was chasing from deep victim mentality. 

By the 17th of every month, panic set in. Somehow, money would show up — but not from my business, and not with grace. It came with the price tag of pressure, angst and emotional breakdown. I was reenacting an old pattern: being in crisis to receive.

I was still using my tools, but I couldn’t hold them. I was still guiding others through transformation — but my own foundation was unstable.

I needed to change something. I recognized the most empowered place in the money cycle for me is when it’s on its way to me. I needed to get money coming in so that I could see it and expect it. I got a job. It doesn’t cover everything, but enough to create a sense of regularity. Enough to break the pattern.

I kept at my tools.

I connected to the future version of me — the one who was already living in a moment I desired. Instead of pushing myself to reach her, I let her pull me forward. In that process, I uncovered a subconscious guilt: the part of me that believed letting go of inherited struggle meant betraying where I came from.

I thanked it and let it go.

I broke another pattern - instead of calling someone to rescue me, I let my phone get turned off. I didn’t pay rent. But because I had interrupted the pattern I was available for a new experience. I survived. I saw things clearly. My nervous system quieted enough to take on a new direction.

I moved into a new space. No eviction on my record. I’ll be paying off what I owe, but I have breathing room now — a temporary reprieve. In many ways, I manifested a huge portion of what I wanted, without manifesting the actual money. Which feels like a cosmic wink, honestly.

In my business…

I temporarily stopped selling — on purpose. I allowed myself to step out of the online coaching noise. That’s when I saw it: the chasing energy, loud and clear. Social media teaches you that your next post might be the one. The one that changes everything. And as a manifestation coach, I do believe in miracles, but trying to create one from a place of deep desperation was keeping me in deep desperation.

I began creating from a new place. I built (and am building) a Patreon that feels like home. A blog, podcast, and social presence that feel sustainable. Evergreen. Alive.

I stopped trying to sound like my higher self speaking to someone else’s higher self online. I started sharing what’s true for me, right now. What I’m using. What’s helping. 

I don’t have a perfectly defined niche. I work with manifestation, and I help people shift their energy so they can actually receive what they want.

I don’t have a client avatar. I’m learning to speak to real moments — the lived experience that someone might be in, right now. That’s where transformation lives: when someone feels seen.

Each offering I create speaks to a moment, not a marketing funnel. And for now, I’m not placing time limits on my work. Selling against a clock overwhelms my system when the audience isn’t in a buying rhythm. That’ll shift, but I’m honoring where I am.

Instead of creating something new every month, I’m building an ecosystem where my work can live. Patreon holds that — a space where everything I’ve made can breathe, evolve, and support others long after I first post it.

I don’t wait to feel fully embodied before I teach something. Teaching helps me embody it. But I’ve refocused on giving myself the opportunities I’ve deeply held for others.

Teaching from the messy middle — before I’ve “figured it all out” — feels tender. But that’s where I am. And I want people to see what’s actually helping me, while I’m still in it.

Here’s what’s been working:

• I interrupted the pattern (for me, that meant getting a part-time job and stopping the chase).
  
  

• I started writing and reading Subconscious Reprogramming stories — quick stories of cause-and-effect patterns to show my subconscious new possibilities. (Available in Patreon under the Subconscious Reprogramming Collection or Ink and Incantations tier.)
  
  

• I connected with my future self and let her pull me forward — noticing what naturally fell away in that process. (This practice lives inside The Coven and The Wealth-Encoded Self on Patreon.)
  
  

• I kept anchoring to her — writing, reading, re-regulating.
  
  

This helped me meet challenges with clarity instead of collapse. It allowed me to stop looking for rescue, and instead be present and take charge of my circumstances.

So far, this has brought me to a place where I feel grounded, supported, and able to take the next step — one piece at a time. 

I’m still in the messy middle. I don’t have all the answers or outcomes. But I trust in my work. I believe in myself. I understand the co-creative magic of the universe.

The current manifestation process:

1. Connect with the self who has what you want
   
   

2. Identify what’s in the way (your “yeah, but…” statements)
   
   

3. Clear it (using the tool that is most effective for the obstacle)
   
   

4. Anchor the new energy
   
   

5. Continue releasing what isn’t a match
   
   

6. Manifest
   
   

Simple. Potent. Repeatable.
That’s where I am — and I’m here for all of it.